Life Can Be Hard When Your Hands Try to Stop Being Hands

The other day I got to work early.  I had had improv class before and didn’t have quite enough time to make it home and then get to work.  Plus, even if I was able to get home, I would have had to leave right away and what is the point in that?  Perfect, I thought to myself.  I am going to make myself a fancy flavored latte and sit and read Anna Karenina in the bookstore and be the most stereotypical bookstore person ever!  It’s going to be great!  And it would have been great.  If I wasn’t so incredibly klutzy.

So I got to work.  40 minutes early!  Everyone was surprised to see me.  “Wow!  You are so early!” they all said.  And I responded by saying, “I’m not going to start working yet!  I’m going to make myself a fancy latte and read Anna Karenina and be the most stereotypical person in the bookstore!”  So I put all of my stuff down and stared at all of the flavor options.  So many to choose from!  What did I want to put into my body?  After some intense thought and concentration, I decided on hazelnut.  So I poured some in the bottom of a large mug (because it had to be a large to fit into the image I was trying to create) and got to latte-ing.  I foamed my milk.  No problems there.  I went with decaf espresso because I can’t have caffeine and started pulling shots.  And since it was a large drink it needed two shots.  So I pulled the first shot. Everything was great.  Then I pulled the second one.   I wasn’t paying attention and started pouring it into my up only to realize that it hadn’t worked and I had just dumped hot water with a slight coffee infusion into my already-partially-made drink.  My heart sunk.  I dumped the drink, rinsed out the mug, and started the coffee process over again.  Syrup in the cup, check.  First shot, check.  I don’t know what it was with me and this drink and the second shot but this is where I ran into problems again.  I went to dump the shot into the cup and something happened (I think that I hit the milk steamer and then my hands forgot how to be hands) and the shot jumped into the air where it fell and hit the edge of the counter and exploded everywhere.  I found myself covered in coffee and the floor and counter were covered in coffee and everyone was staring at me.

Why do bad things happen to good people?  I just wanted to have this nice relaxing 20 minutes before work and now I found myself mopping the floor of the cafe.  By the time I got everything cleaned up and actually successfully made my drink (third time’s the charm!) I only had 5 minutes left until I was supposed to start.  So I sucked it up, clocked in, and actually started working.  No Anna Karenina was read that afternoon.  And my drink tasted like sadness and disappointment.  I guess this is what happens why I try to become a cliche.  So I guess that makes this a warning story.  If you try to be a cliche, your hands will stop working and you will find your newly clean pants covered in coffee and the floor will be slightly sticky for the rest of the night.  So keep that in mind and learn from my mistakes.  I guess, in a way, I have done you all a favor.  You are welcome.  Enjoy not smelling like sadness everywhere you go for a night!

(By the way, sadness smells a lot like spilled espresso.  Who knew?)

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2 thoughts on “Life Can Be Hard When Your Hands Try to Stop Being Hands

  1. Another very funny post. It’s not schadenfreude. (I’m sorry you had a rough day.) But you write about it so well. (“And my drink tasted like sadness and disappointment.”) If it makes you feel any better, I am an incomparable klutz and disaster magnet. I once managed to sprain my sacroiliac joint while wrapping Christmas presents. (Who does that?) And although I’ve never doused myself with coffee at work, I do have a special graphic for counting how many days I’ve gone without a scalding tea incident.

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