I Think The Pigeons Are Trying to Kill Me

Every night I go to sleep, afraid that tonight is going to be the night when the Pigeon King finally breaks into my room and kills me.

(Some backstory: I have a window air conditioner in my window but the unit is too small for how wide my window is so I have filled in the gaps with cardboard.  It looks weird but works fine except for the fact that the only thing protecting me from the outside world is two small pieces of cardboard that are connected to the window frame with only some masking tape.)

The sketchy install job. Isn’t is beautiful?

My first night here, I realized the my windowsill is the hot spot for pigeon activity.  Pigeons come and hang out outside my window at all hours.  It was creepy but it never felt threatening.  Instead, I felt like I could hear them all socializing, like my window was the cool club that all the birds were choosing to hang out at.

A few weeks ago, all of that changed when there was a fight outside my window.  (It also could have been scary intense pigeon sex but I am going to say it was a fight for the purpose of my theory.)  There was a large kerfuffle and the happy, party-ing cooing stopped and was replaced by the most aggressive pigeons noises that I have ever heard.  (If you have never heard what a pigeon actually sounds like, this is a pretty good example.  Now imagine this but 20 times scarier and you have the Pigeon King.)  This new pigeon (who I will be calling the King Pigeon from now on) chased the others away one at a time and sat atop his throne for the very first time.  This is when I started to feel afraid for my life.  While I am not 100% sure what is going on with this pigeon, this is my theory.

Every night as I am about to fall asleep, the Pigeon King returns.  He reminds me that he is sitting there, waiting until I am least expecting them.  He wishes me a good night and starts talking to his minions, reminding them that he is in charge and that they need to do what he says.

Recently, at around 2 in the morning, the Pigeon King has started yelling loudly, waking me up to remind me that he is in control of the situation.  At this time, he has also started knocking on the cardboard.  I believe that he is wearing it down so that one of these days he can just burst in and be like, “I TOLD YOU I WAS COMING!  YOU SHOULD BE EXPECTING ME!  BOW DOWN TO THE PIGEON KING!  TIME TO DIE!”  Every time I hear this knocking sound, I imagine that I am going to roll over to find that the cardboard is gone and instead find a giant pigeon with glowing eyes staring at me.  But that has yet to happen.

I watched (or more heard, I couldn’t actually see anything) him chase away the other pigeons to get his hold on my windowsill and so I am only left to believe that he is coming for the whole apartment next.  And my window is the access point.  If he kills me, it will send a message to my roommates: Get out or this will happen to you.  And I think that they will probably chose to leave.

So, if you hear that I have died due to pigeon attack, we all know who to blame.  And if this does happen, I really think it would make a great This American Life story.  You know, something like “The Pigeon Whisperer: How one girl predicted her fate and the terrible bird that brought her down.”  This blog post will be my voice in the episode.  And my family and friends can tell stories about me and say things like they thought I was making up a crazy story and just being paranoid about the birds outside my window when really I was telling the truth and they wished that they had listened to me but they hadn’t so they want the world to know what really happened and who I really was so I don’t just go down in history as the girl who died at the hands (talons? feet?) of the Pigeon King.  (If someone from TAL is reading this, I would be happy to make a recording of this post so that if my terrible demise does come, there will be audio of me telling my story.  Just let me know.)

…I think that it is time to take the air conditioner out of my window…


2 thoughts on “I Think The Pigeons Are Trying to Kill Me

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